Gym Membership: When Negotiations Turn Into The Work Out

I found my perfect gym last week, and on top of the gorgeous facility, they also had a very reasonable cost structure: $15.95 for the first 3 months, $35.95 after that. Zero enrollment fee, one year commitment, offer good until Wednesday, May 27. The negotiations this afternoon:

Sales Lady: I'm so excited you decided to come back!

Pahkcah02: Yeah, well, my membership at Healthworks is up on Wednesday and this seems like the perfect gym for me so I'm pretty excited to get started.

Sales Lady: Great! (shuffling through paperwork). I'm going to ask you to fill out your name and address on this form and then initial next to the fees. You'll owe first and last month's membership, so we would normally take $51.90 this afternoon ($15.95 + $35.95). However, since we do our billing on the 28th, you'll also owe an additional $15.95 for the month of May.

Pahkcah02: Wait, so I'm paying first and last, plus $15.95 for 2 days in May?

Sales Lady: (impressed with my deductive reasoning) Right! So if you're paying by credit card we'll take $67.85 this afternoon.

Pahkcah02: Yeah, I'm not paying $15.95 for a two day month.

Sales Lady: I 100% agree with you, but unfortunately this is just how it works with our billing cycle.

Pahkcah02: Well, then I'll come back on the 29th, after your billing cycle begins for June.

Sales Lady: But then you'll miss our $15.95 three month promo!

Pahkcah02: It's ok, I can probably just get a similiar offer at (name competing local gym).

Sales Lady: My boss is here. Let me see if I can get that waived for you.

(returning 1 minute later)

Sales Lady: Wow! He hardly ever does this but he's willing to waive May's payment if you sign up today.

Pahkcah02: I'm flattered. So what else am I initialing next to?

Sales Lady: Well, (pointing to various parts of the form) this says that you agree to wipe down the equipment after use. This says that you agree that this is a one year commitment, and this is to authorize a $30 fee in January 2010 for maintenance.

Pahkcah02: Maintenance? Isn't that what my monthly fee is supposed to cover?

Sales Lady: (getting kinda annoyed) Well, it's for the equipment and stuff. Hold on (boss walks in).

Boss: I understand you have a few questions about the maintenance fee?

Pahkcah02: Yeah, I don't quite understand it. I pay you $35.95 a month to come here, and on top of that you want to tack on an equipment maintenance fee. That's kinda like going to a restaurant, ordering a $15 meal, and getting a bill with a $5 maintenance fee added on because they brought the food out on a plate.

Boss: I run the nicest gym in this area. See that piece of cardio equipment (pointing to a treadmill)? I paid $9,000 for that! Maintenance fees are standard for all gym memberships, it's just that they're generally buried in enrollment fees. Since I'm not charging you an enrollment fee, I'm actually losing money on your membership. I'm just running this promotion to get people into the door!

Pahkcah02: Sir, I don't doubt that you have the finest gym to ever grace this side of the Southeast Expressway. I simply don't understand why maintenance isn't included in the monthly fee.

Boss: Well, I can't waive it. It's part of our billing cycle. But, if you agree to pay it I'll give you a free t-shirt!

Pahkcah02 (totally not desiring a free $30 t-shirt, but still wicked pissed about the fee): What if I pay the maintenance fee in January and you extend the promo price from 3 months to 4 months?

Boss: (gazing at Sales Lady while making gaga eyes): Just give it to her.


One can only wonder how many Weight Watchers activity points I get from that experience.

My Perfect Gym, Perfect Gym, I'm Looking for My Perfect Gym

My Groupon to Healthworks is up this week and during my 5 weeks of gym membership I've discovered an important thing: I actually enjoy working out. I mean, I enjoy working out to the fact that I found myself waking up at 5:30am and driving 20 miles to Chestnut Hill just because I enjoy the high I get afterwards. I enjoy the fact that I can drink my Guiness, graze at BBQ's, and actually lose weight thanks to my new relationship with the elliptical. In my personal and professional life I dedicate myself to everything and everyone; a gym membership gives me back 3 hours a week of me time. It's the only time that I get to put on my headphones, go hard, and work on myself with zero distractions.

As much as I enjoy my workouts, I know that driving to Chestnut Hill 3x a week was ok for a short while but it's definitely not a long term solution. Since I work out of the house I'd ideally like to go at lunch, which is not possible unless I join something a bit more local. Rather than just join a random gym, I actually did a bunch of Internet research and set up appointments to tour 3 local facilities.

In the end, I found my perfect solution: a new gym near my house with TV's on every piece of equipment. I'm popping over at some point today to sign all the paperwork so I can get back into my routine tomorrow.

Canadian Exchange Rate

I still haven't been sleeping lately and I've tried just about everything from doing relaxing activities (eg: reading) to slamming a Tylenol PM or two to help me rest. No matter what I've tried, I still can't manage to sleep past 7am, even on the weekends. Last night I slept on a 2" futon mattress on KnitPurl's basement floor - I slept until 10am. Go figure?

An exchange with a 2 year old goes something like this: Sean: "Hockey! Hockey! Hockey!"; KnitPurl: "Sean, Montreal isn't playing hockey anymore"; Sean (perplexed by this news): "Ottawa?"

KnitPurl's husband got me hooked up to their Slingbox so I can watch cable while travelling. As an extra bonus I can tune into Degrassi at its regularly scheduled CTV time.

In case you were wondering (which I'm pretty certain that none of you are), Canadian TSN sports network is marketing the upcoming the Sox/Jay's series as a hard-core rivalry. Come again?

I tried my first Montreal bagel this morning and they are far differnt (and IMHO, better), than the standard NY bagel. Unlike the big, doughy bagels associated with the NY variety, Montreal bagels are skinnier with a chewier texture. Granny of Westmount upbringing asked for a dozen; I'm pretty sure that she'll be a couple short but the time I get them to her on Tuesday.

Gas is currently $4 a gallon in Canada. Stop bitching.

And One More Thing....

Congratulations to the Happiest Man in Maine - Reppin!!! Or should I say, Nurse Reppin to you! Mazel Tov, Dave!!

Restaurant Review - Sportello + Drink

Restaurant: Sportello/Drink
Location: 348 Congress Street (Ft. Pt Channel), South Boston, MA
Rating: Sportello = B+ ; Drink = C

I braved the Southeast Expressway for 90 minutes, followed by a healthy dose of pop culture at the Puma City exhibit at Fan Pier. Needless to say, I was famished by the time we headed over to Fort Point for an 8:30 dinner. Wellesley speaks fondly of local celebrity chef Barbara Lynch, so I was pretty curious to check out Sportello, her newest Italian restaurant in gentrified Southie.

Sportello is not your typical red sauce Italian food; in fact not knowing this ahead of time turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Chances are if I had looked at the menu beforehand, I probably would have been adverse to dining at Sportello - I would've truly missed out. Our attentive waitress made wine recommendations before bringing over a plate of crusty Italian bread with a creamy raisin/butter spread. From there we dove into an order of hiramasa crudo (sashimi) served up on chip-like cucumbers and burrata (cheese) with cippolini onion and chestnut honey - delicious!

For our main course we both wanted to try the potato gnocci with porcini mushrooms, peas, and cream. Rather than order two plates, we decided to split one and go from there. I didn't feel that the peas added much to the meal, but the richness of the cream combined with the pillowly gnocci and porcini was simply divine. Add a platter of fresh baked assorted cookies for dessert and it makes for a very happy meal.

The food at Sportello was obviously excellent, but it gets dinged a bit for its' seating arrangement. With only two traditional tables, the majority of diners sit on stools surrounding two long white bars. While fantastic in theory, Sportello is far too pricey for this casual concept. By the time cookie time rolled around, my back was starting to stiffen up.

Afterwards we headed downstairs to a packed bar of beautiful people drinking beautiful cocktails at Drink. Two seats at the bar had just opened up, so we slid in and watched the suspender and tie wearing bartender chop off a block of ice with an ice pick for a patron's crazy concoction. Drink does not have a drink menu and all liquor is stored out of site in a closed cabinet. Rather than pick a random beverage, the bartenders interview you to find out what you like before mixing a tailor made cocktail.

My cocktail of choice is scotch on the rocks, but it seemed like such a waste to drink one when I had access to a personal mixologist. Instead, the barkeep mixed up a raspberry mojito and though it was tasty, it just wasn't the scotch that I was used to. My rating of a C has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that I don't really care for cocktails. If mixed drinks are more your speed, you'll be very satisfied with the atmosphere, cleanliness, and awe inspiring cocktails at Drink.

Fort Point is an easy walk from the Seaport Silver Line stop. Metered street parking is also available. For menu options, check out www.sportelloboston.com and www.drinkfortpoint.com.

Relationship Status: Taken By Comcast

Cancelling Comcast out of principle is one thing, but let's be honest, how long did you really think it was going to fucking last?

Living a cable-free existence is not the harshest thing I've ever subjected myself to (that award goes to my heart-pounding romp on the elliptical last Tuesday), nor will I complain that it was that bad. I learned about kimchi on PBS, watched hours of basketball with teams from places I never care to visit, and amused myself by watching infomercial pitchmen. I discovered that NECN shows nothing more than weather updates, but then again in New England clear and sunny skies is a lead-in news story. While I love my new cable bill but I truly miss Fox News, HGTV, Paula Dean, and Anderson Cooper.

I found out I was eligible for Comcast's $29 with HBO promo and like a sucker I took the bait. Add an HD box and the whole thing is only $25 more than my cable-free bill but still $55 less then what I was previously paying (and that was without HBO). Comcast takes pleasure in screwing over their customers in the ultimate game of hard-to-get and I'm taking one for the team. Sure I might not get those Facts of Life reruns that the elite Digital Preferred folks get, but with my new laptop TV tuner I also won't get extorted for a DVR add-on. The best part is that I get to play this game again a year from now. Bring it on, Comcast, bring it on.

Herb Alert!

Check this picture and you will clearly see (with the help of Paintbrush red circles):



Green stuff! Little baby herbs growing on my porch! In a few weeks my flower boxes will be an organic mecca of cilantro and basil. I wonder if this how the Pilgrims felt.....

Now Drop and Give Me 20

I like to pillage my town pennysaver every week in search of car wash and pizza coupons. The Canton Suburban Shopper also posts quirky AP wires to entice people (like me) to read 20 pages of ads. Given the demographics of the town, it's not surprising that the vast majority of ads are for landscaping and salon services. Local gyms will also advertise classes and enrollment specials to drive membership, and boot camp seems to be all the rage. Call it the new aerobics if you will.

40 years after America ended the draft, 4 (I repeat, FOUR) different gyms plastered ads in this week's pennysaver daring us to be all we can be. For a $300 six week session, a "drill instructor" will yell, motivate, and push you to your outer limits at the charming hour of 0600. Dare to miss a class and your instructor may very well call to check up. The ads do not mention whether or not going AWOL at your gym class will result in court martial.

I am obviously all for personal fitness but I am truly shocked and awed by the popularity of boot camp programs. Hiring the occasional personal trainer so you don't kill yourself using the equipment is one thing but have Americans really become so lazy that they need this type of in-your-face motivation to get off the couch? Are we so micro-managed in the workplace that as grown adults we need aggressive forms of reinforcement for fear of tuning out?

While the search for the perfect gym continues, rest assured that this civilian puke will not enter boot camp for anything less than 3 square meals and free ride to college. If it's 6am and I'm not on an obstacle course, don't bother to chew me out. I'm simply sleeping away the morning through the power of self motivation.

Minnie for Mother's Day

Mother's Day

5:07: Minnie arrives and is incredibly stressed out. I pour her a bowl of water, scratch her ears, and tell her what a good girl she is.

5:10: Minnie eyes the seafood platter with envy. Why won't we let her eat the raw oysters?

5:20: Dad starts grilling burgers for himself and Minnie. Minnie is confused: does she hang out on a cramped porch with Dad or continue to sniff the seafood platter?

5:23: Dad flips the burgers and comes in to the use the bathroom. Minnie sits outside the closed door and cries.

5:27: A neighbor goes outside with his dog and walks directly behind my unit. Minnie goes psycho to the point that I think she is going to jump through the screened in porch. I hold her collar, scratch her ears, and tell her what a good girl she is.

5:34: Minnie gets her medium well burger on a whole wheat bun.

5:34:02: Minnie finishes her burger.

5:35: Minnie comes to the table to beg for lobster mac and cheese. I tell her no and am greeted with a short growl.

5:45: A new dog walks through within plain site. Minnie is more interested in our food.

6:17: Mom uses the bathroom. Minnie sits outside and cries.

6:30: Dad passes out, Mom watches basketball, an energetic Minnie and I take out the garbage.

7:00: Dad is still passed out. I cut Minnie and Mom a piece of angel food cake. Minnie doesn't understand why she is limited to a small slice and not the entire cake. Mom and I watch Lara Logan report a story about drones on 60 Minutes. Minnie licks my legs despite being asked to stop.

7:20: Dad wakes up and declares that it's time to go. Minnie hears the word "go" and starts barking and running around in circles.


7:22: Dog hair, dog hair, everywhere. Another Mother's Day in pahkcah02 land.

The Prodigical Blogger Returns (special bullets edition!)

Remember me, the MIA blogger? Well, I'm back. I have to say, it's pretty hard to constantly think of new topics to blog about. At first I thought of dedicating an entire entry to celebrate the fact that WTKK yacker Jay Severin is officially off the air (for now). Or I could've written a congratulatory blog in honor of the Troll to announce the fact that her condo is officially lien-free and barring something major during tomorrow's home inspection that she'll be a happy home owner!! But rather than jump the gun on that one, I will instead talk briefly about the Phantom Gourmet Food and Wine Fest last Saturday:

Like a grit, I had heard of the Phantom Food Festivals but had never actually seen one. (Note: kind of a falsehood...I did try grits in Charlotte but no disrespect to My Cousin Vinny aka: the greatest film of all time). While the Phantom Gourmet is nothing but a gigantic ad run by the whorish Andelman brothers, for some reason I continue to tune in almost every weekend. Anyways, unlike the rest of their festivals which charge per bite, the Wine Fest included all the food and wine you can drink for $30. After an hour, this theme was changed to all the food and wine you can stand to wait in Disney-World-type lines to taste for $30. But honestly, it was a lot of fun hanging with Wellesley, Fearless, B, T, Jay, and Goldie + SO. Kind of like a giant, civilized indoor tailgate with proper flush toilets.

Buzzed from the Food Fest we did what any responsible group of adults would do - we continued to drink. Our next stop was the Gaslight Brasserie for outdoor drinking and raw bar, followed by watching the Celts at my new favorite "sports" bar (the Mandarin Oriental) with my Connnecticult homies. There was debauchery and laughter, as well as lots of talk of invading a certain beach house on the shoreline. I hadn't had a night out that enjoyable since the likes of Mama T's 30th and I was definitely due.

Taking a sharp left turn from the Mandarin Oriental, Wellesley and I met up for a quick dinner at O'Hara's (Newton Highlands) last night. I've been to O'Hara's a number of times and everytime I go I don't understand why I don't go more often. O'Hara's has everything the surbabanite wants on a night out: good food, great location, and tons of parking. As an extra bonus they are one of the few bars in Greater Boston that can pull a Murphy's Irish Stout on tap. Last night I dined on their chopped salad balanced out (calorie-wise) with Murphy's - tasty.

On a different note, I am finally caught up with MTV reality show the Girls of Hedsor Hall. For those too high-brow to watch the series, Donald Trump shipped 12 raunchy American coeds over to a finishing school in England to improve their wicked ways. Each week one girl is eliminated; the one left standing wins $100,000. It was based off an English reality show called Ladette to Lady, using a similar concept.

The series was so popular in Britain that Welsh chat show host Charlotte Church did a spoof of her own called Lady to Ladette. Church found 5 high society ladies who enjoyed sipping champagne and attending opera and taught them to chug beer, dress trampy, and use vulgar language. You can catch the whole thing on YouTube..hilarious stuff.

That was a really long post. Til next time......