Zayde Getting Married

The Troll *finally* closed on her condo on Thursday and since I'm a little up in the air right now as far as free time, I figured I'd hop the Saturday, 9am flight down to Baltimore to check out her new digs. I was immediately put to work schlepping boxes up three flights of stairs, including a 100lb+ TV stand in the summer Southern heat (91F and climbing). After the schelpping came the fun part: Chic-Fil-A and watching her spend lots of money on a TV and living room set. As an extra bonus the Troll let me use my rude Yankee ways to beat the crap out of the furniture salesmen (she saved 10% on some of her furniture). We then lugged a 42" TV up the 3 flights of stairs except this time there's was an extra bounce in our step. After a long day of running around like idiots in the oppressive humidity (honestly? How do people live down there???) one undeniable fact remains: the twins from Toughtown are totally un-fucking-stoppable.

Zayde called us a few weeks ago to announce the happy news: he and Bronx were officially engaged. The wedding took place on Long Island yesterday, which made the trip to Baltimore extra convenient since the Troll and I were going to have to drive there anyways. Since Zayde and Bronx didn't want to change anything legally, they spoke to the rabbi and he agreed to do a committment ceremony. To my surprise, it was a full-blown Jewish ceremony complete with a katuba (religious marriage certificate) and everything.

After the ceremony they brought out platters of kosher deli, which is probably the only redeeming quality about Long Island (besides Bagel Boss). Tons obnoxious people crammed one hour outside of NYC shell out huge bucks for a 1950's era three bedroom home on a quarter acre lot. On top of that they all park on the street (why park in the driveway when you can inconvenience everyone else?) drive like dangerous assholes because if they don't manage to kill someone they may save 2 seconds, and walk around like they're constantly looking for a fight. Fran Drescher's family in the Nanny? Yeah, she seriously wasn't making that shit up. If a Bostonian goes to Long Island and doesn't immediately think "what the fuck is wrong with all of these people?" then they certainly don't deserve to live in our beloved state.

That being said, Bronx's friend and relatives all appear to be very nice people. One woman was a dead ringer for Susie Essman (Jeff Greene's wife on Curb Your Enthusiasm) - it was seriously the funniest thing that I've ever seen.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm hoping to spread other pieces of fun news throughout the week. Stay tuned....

Good Times at the Wholesale Club

One of the things I enjoy most about living in America is the unprecedented access to wholesale clubs. In the war of wholesale clubs, there are BJ's people and Costco people and each are fiercely loyal to their respective clubs. Personally I'm a BJ's girl, mostly because I like to support a company that's headquartered in Massachusetts (plus their liquor selection in Stoughton is unreal).

Sure places like Target and Wal-Mart may offer deals similar to those found in wholesale clubs, but the experience is totally not the same. Although I've logged many hours walking the aisles of Costco in D.D.O., Quebec, the art of the wholesale market is such a uniquely American experience. If our regular supermarkets are enough to impress foreigners, they would go absolutely berserk if left loose in a local BJ's. In fact, if a Sam's Club were built in Afghanistan I'm fairly confident that jihadi activities would cease immediately. After all, life is so worth living once you've discovered Prada purses, Sony TV's, and a family pack of Kleenex at cut-rate prices.

The science of cleaning house at a wholesale club is to know exactly how much everything you're buying actually costs. For example, buying 5 lbs of steak tips at $5.99/lb is no bargain but snatching up 3 DiGiornio pizzas for $10 is. $14 for 12 rolls of paper towels? Eh, you could do better. However, a bottle of J. Lohr chardonnay for $8 is worth celebrating. Forget about getting an alarm system or keeping a .38 in your sock drawer. When you're living alone, nothing screams "security" like having 36 double rolls of Cottonelle you recently picked up at BJ's stashed away in the coat closet.

In practical terms, there's really no reason for someone like me to be a card carrying wholesale club member. However, membership has its privileges and I enjoy the camaraderie of hob-nobbing with my fellow suburbanites. The car culture, the larger than life parking lots, the excitement of buying Family Packs that are clearly marketed to the Jon and Kate plus 8 crowd instead of yours truly. It doesn't matter if it will take me 3 months to go through a packet of BJ's brand coffee nor do I mind that I'll never, ever get away with spending less than $80 on cleaning supplies, ice cream, and trash bags. For me it's all about the thrill of finding something at a decent price and subsequently buying a year's supply of it. As someone who clearly doesn't understand the word "boundaries" when on a wholesale club shopping sprenzy, I can only offer you my enthusiastic support for this bit of Americana. I can also offer you an extremely large bottle of toilet bowl cleaner. I recently picked up a 4-pack for the bargain basement price of $5.99.

Stay Local. Staycation. Stay Stoughton.

My parents are celebrating their 30th anniversary this week in San Francisco. Since I'm pretty excited that my mom actually convinced my dad to hop on a plane (going to Marblehead is a big excursion for him), I really wanted to make their trip transition as smooth as possible. I volunteered to drive them to Logan on Thursday morning and checked in on Minnie throughout the day. Minnie gets pretty skittish when my parents go away so it's important that she's constantly reassured that mom and dad are coming home.

Pee Wee helped me out by feeding Minnie her breakfast on Friday morning. I planned to spend the evening over there so Pee Wee and I did our "parents are out of town ritual", which involves trying out a new Indian restaurant. I had a restaurant.com certificate for a place up in Medford (Kabob Factory) which was decent but probably not worth the trip. On the way back I was rear-ended on the Expressway by a guy driving an SUV while gabbing on a cell phone. The driver in questions didn't seem overly concerned that he hit me and actually continued his conversation before getting out of the car to exchange insurance information. I was driving my mom's car at the time and aside from the bumper being cracked up, nobody was hurt.

Saturday I hosted a suburban excursion with Fearless, Nay, Mama T, and Denise. We hit up the Wrentham Outlets and BBQed, watched ABC Family movies, and poked fun at people from Wisconsin (Denise's accent was dead on - hilarious!). Since I bought way too much food (as always), the Gesher South Shore crew hoofed it to Stoughton for a second wave of grilling. Wellesley was put to work grilling and performing minor house maintenance (one of the perks of having a tall boyfriend? Changing lightbulbs is never an issue!) and Minnie was in her glory because she thought that the party was for her.

Since I had been up since 6:30am, I really wanted to sleep in my own bed so I went back to Canton with the intention of going back to Stoughton on Sunday morning so I could give Minnie her pills (not a fun task). Minnie was kinda pissed about my "love her and leave her" attitude and decided to poop on the rug, which I got to clean up. I had a great lunch at Wellesley's tennis club and then lost a tough, rainy softball game.

Back into the swing of things. I'm gearing up my gym class tonight followed by a late Logan drive-by to pick up the p-units. The reunion between my parents and Minnie will likely be a happy one.

The Difference Between Chestnut Hill and the South Shore? Oh Let Me Count The Ways....

South Shore Example numero uno: I tried a class at my new gym for the first time last night called "Hard Core Results". Basically it's a 60 minute class that focuses on strength training, conditioning, and cardio in 3-4 minute spurts. I took a similar class at Healthworks by instructors that encouraged us with a challenging workout chock full of self-esteem ("It's ok! You can do it!" "You're doing great!"). The instructor on the South Shore is a bit more blunt, giving us surley pep talks ("Excuse me? Why are you stopping? Did I ask you to stop?") whenever one of us dared to fall out. Motivating, yes. Self-defeating? Just a little bit. I'll be back next Monday.

My Dell laptop shit the bed again. On Friday the keyboard and touchpad randomly stopped working. It being a Dell, it is obviously out of warranty. Rather than call Dell just to be jerked around by a well-meaning but somewhat condescending tech rep, I took Dad's advice and brought it to New England PC and Web in West Bridgewater. Anyone's whoever been stuck in phone tree purgatory and then put on hold for 2 hours can appreciate being asked to "hit 3 to speak with a wicked smart technician". I dropped my laptop off yesterday and was told that it would be ready for pick-up this morning. Wicked smart techs with a wicked fast turn-around and wicked reasonable prices makes for a wicked happy pahkcah02.

My parents are leaving for San Francisco this weekend which means that I get to dog sit Minnie. I often watch Minnie while they're out of town and we have lots of fun going for rides, grilling burgers, and watching TV together. Of course when my parents come home she goes back to ignoring me (unless I have food), as if our special moments never even happend.

Then again, Pee Wee generally goes back to ignoring me as well. At least the washing machine still loves me.

Happy 28th Birthday, KnitPurl! I'll call you later.

$1.3M? How about 1.3M tires?

According to the Salem Evening News our federal government recently spent $1.3 million on constructing new I-95 signs along Route 128. The bulk of the expense went towards digging up dirt and laying down cement foundations for the Interstate signs. Naturally most of the digging was done during the winter when snow and frost makes this task a trillion times harder (and likely more expensive) than necessary.

When giving directions to people who aren't familiar with our roads I specifically call the road Route 128 on purpose - just because I know that it will confuse the shit out of them. Directions from Dedham to Braintree is just one classic example (128 south to 128 south?).

Local customs aside, the real question is has anybody from the federal government actually bothered to drive up and down the 128 section of I-95? The rednecks down in Florida drive on a flawless 10 lane I-95 while we massholes get stuck with a pothole riddled embarrassment. Traffic's bad? Enjoy your wide stretch of road through the middle of nowhere, North Carolina. In Massachusetts you can save time on your 60 minute/15 mile commute along I-95 by driving in the breakdown lane. From the bottom of my heart I really must say, thanks for nothing federal highway funds. I'm sure those new Interstate signs will look real swell in some BU dorm room.

It Has To Be Said

Two horrific events rocked the American Jewish community this week: the indiscriminate shootings by a psycho at the Holocaust Museum in Washington, DC and the very public anti-Semetic remarks by Obama's former preacher Jeremiah Wright. Hate crimes of every variety have been ticking upwards lately so I'm not exactly shocked that despite the post-WWII decades of singing Kumbaya, that anti-Semetism is still alive and well in this country. I am, however, a bit surprised (though not totally shocked) at the way the media has been handling the entire matter.

Racist websites that preach intolerance are all over the Internet. Fine. If someone wants to do some initial legwork (and probably have their IP address tracked) to find this type of shit then all the power to them. However, for mainstream websites to report on the events in DC and Wright's speech and then publish excerpts of their hateful rants online is ridiculous. People who might never feel compelled to visit a neo-Nazi site can now nod along with the anti-Semetic rhetoric on CNN, MSNBC, etc without fear of being labeled a bigot.

Everyone knows that Jeremiah Wright is an anti-Semite so there is absolutely no need to give his remarks the type of bully pulpit they've received this week. Ditto for the very tragic shooting at the Holocaust Museum. My heart goes out to the family of Officer Johns, who's life was taken from him unmercilessly by a convicted racist criminal. One can assume that anyone who would walk into a Holocaust museum with a weapon and murder an African-American security guard is both a racist and an anti-Semite. To report that James von Brunn was a member of several hate groups without publishing his quotes, thoughts, and opinions simply would've been enough.

Pahkcah02 on Unions

Starting Monday, Boston Globe guild workers will stand by and watch their salary be cut by 23%. Forced between a rock and a hard place, the union sold out their members livelihood for perks that don't exist in most of the private sector. It's a good thing that those guild workers still have their lifetime job guarantees. After all, with the new pay cuts they'll likely be working until they hit the grave.

During my time at UMass I took a few labor relations classes, and despite my conservative way of thinking, I am not totally against organized labor. After all, the early 20th century labor movement is responsible for giving us OSHA laws, child labor laws, overtime regulations, and, (my personal favorite) the weekend. However, somewhere in the midst of social justice and worker solidarity came the gripping wave of entitlement.

The union labor movement is socialistic in nature, so the Guild members can't be surprised that their personal financial hardships were cast aside for the perceived good of the majority. Singling out workers for layoffs may be all too common in the non-union world but that's generally not the way it goes down in a union shop. In this economy most workers say that they would prefer pay cuts to layoffs until they find out that their new take home pay requires a major lifestyle overhaul.

The economy is horrific and employers are using it as a free pass to degrade their employees with pay cuts, furloughs, and wage freezes. Rather than use the power of work shortages to force the Globe to fix their broken business model the Guild bent over backwards to appease management. Rest assured that the 23% pay cut is a band aid for the larger problems that plague the New York Times group. Until the real issues are solved pay cuts will continue, workers will be shed from other departments, and overall morale will erode.

Until American management gets back to basics and figures out how to run a profitable business model based on modest but steady returns then we're all doomed. The workers at the Boston Globe may live to fight another day but the esprit de corps of New England's flagship paper is likely gone forever. The only way these workers will get any sense of justice is to pay it forward by actively looking for new employment. Finding a new job won't be easy, and it definitely won't happen overnight, but it's becoming apparent in the 21st century that the only labor union worth paying dues to is yourself.

How Massachusetts Is That? I'll Let You Decide....

New Englanders are a special breed. Studies show time and time again that we are smartest, fittest people in the nation and are therefore de facto role models for those lesser Americans in the South and West. Take for example this week's decision on Beacon Hill to hold a closed door session on ethics reform (of all things!). Apparently the fact that Sal DiMasi became the third Massachusetts House speaker in a row to be indicted is a bit of an inconvenience. You see, when the Red Sox win three games in a row we call that a streak. When three Massachusetts house speakers in a row are convicted criminals we call that business as usual. On a scale of 1-10, how Massachusetts is that? I'll give that one a solid 4.

Facing the worst budget crunch in the history of western civilization, our elected Representatives had a crucial decision to make this week: get rid of two Suffolk county hack holidays and save $5 million a year -or- keep the holidays that nobody aside from government employees (or the rest of the state outside of Suffolk) actually observe. I'm not sure if you caught the YouTube clip of this debate on the State House floor but Jack Hart's argument for keeping Evacuation Day and Bunker Hill Day so that the children of South Boston could appreciate their "history" (FYI, the Americans lost the Battle of Bunker Hill) was as incoherent as it was laughable. The MBTA is on the verge of bankruptcy and our roads are riddled with potholes large enough to house a family of four. We may be broke, but at least a $5 million hack holiday will live to fight another day. How Massachusetts is that? I'm giving that a 7.

Our shiny new 25% sales tax increase will shortly apply to liquor purchases. As you may know, liquor is already taxed, but that tax is already built into the price (like gas). Starting this fall lucky Massachusetts consumers will continue to pay the liquor tax, plus an additional 6.25% sales tax. A tax on a tax - it may be clever but exactly how Massachusetts is that? How about an 11?

Running Just As Fast As I Can

I was never what one might describe as a "runner". While I enjoy sports as much as the next Gen Y suburbanite, sweating profusely while running insane distances never really did it for me. My running hate on was developed early in life, probably around the same time that other kids decide that they hate math, broccoli, or liberals. As a determined individual I don't believe in screwing up a winning formula. Not when the "yeah, I'm not a runner" line has been working beautifully for me since at least the second Reagan administration.

A few years ago I dropped 30 pounds and I'm happy to say that I did it all without running. I learned that staying in peak fighting weight means slashing calories, upping exercise, and not chasing potato skins with 20 oz beers. A 950 calorie Weight Watchers lifestyle may not be sustainable, but getting my ass on a treadmill every few days definitely is. After pounding away on the elliptical for the past 2 months I knew that I had it in me to run for at least 30 minutes. Today I challenged myself to finally do so.

I certainly won't be breaking any running world records, well, ever, but today I sweated away 3 miles in 35 minutes. Sure I had to take a few walking breaks while completely schvitzing like a chazeri. However, considering I've never run 3 miles at once (or 3 miles total since high school), I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to slam 800mg of Motrin for my aching, still out of shape, body.

D-Day Flicks

In a few short days we will be memorializing the 65th anniversary of D-Day, the largest coordinated attack in the history of the world. Less than one year after the Allies invaded the beaches of Normandy, an entire continent was lifted from the oppressive grip of Nazism.

Hundreds of movies have been made in tribute of the men and women who fought the Axis in World War II. In honor of D-Day, here are a few of my favorite:

Empire of the Sun: A Steven Speilberg classic! Empire of the Sun is an autobiographical account of an English teenager's coming of age in a Shanghai internment camp.

Bridge on the River Kwai: A lot of WWII flicks showcase the Germans as the evil villians (Because seriously? They were!) but the Japanese weren't so swell themselves. Bridge on the River Kwai is a glamorized version of the horrific conditions Allied POW's were subjected to when taken prisoner by the Imperial Army.

A League of Their Own: Sure the Second World War was devastating, but sometimes it really was fun and games. With the men off to war, A League of Their Own is the story of the All American Girls Professional Baseball League that existed during and immediately after WWII.

Europa Europa: A Jewish orphan is adopted by the Wehrmacht, becomes a Nazi war hero completely by mistake, and sent to an elite Hitler Youth academy. This German/Russian film (with English subtitles) is one if the more bizarre (but true!) tales of WWII.

The Tuskegee Airmen: I loved this film, and not just because Malcolm Jamal-Warner played a hot pilot. African Americans are shamefully discriminated against at home, but that doesn't stop these American heroes from becoming one of the most decorated units of the War.


So go ahead - treat yourself to a Netflix night. The best part? No matter how many times you watch these movies, we still win!

Speaking Spanglish With Manny

After living in this condo complex for almost four years, Manny the Maintenance Guy, has been a daily constant. Because we both hang out here all day, I often see him out and about and working hard to make this place a nice place to live. A native of the DR, when I first met Manny his English wasn't that great. Over the past few years I've helped translate stuff and even taught him American phrases like "busting your balls" and other idiosyncrasies. He's also helped me with my Spanish.

Today I saw him after I was a bit frustrated about the fact that the washing machine ate all my quarters and then refused to work. Our cultural exchange:

Pahkcah02: Manny, la lavadora esta muy decompuesto!

Manny (in English): Yeah, it's a fucking piece of shit. Did you break it?

Pahkcah02: No....

Manny: Did you rock it back and forth to try to get your quarters back?

Pahkcah02: Um, I might have.

Manny: I did too. It didn't work.

Pahkcah02: Yeah, but now it doesn't work at all and then it started leaking so at least I turned the water off.

Manny: (totally not impressed with my handy-woman skillz): Thanks

Pahkcah02: De Nada.

Note: that was a classic example of Manny busting my balls.