How Massachusetts Is That? I'll Let You Decide....

New Englanders are a special breed. Studies show time and time again that we are smartest, fittest people in the nation and are therefore de facto role models for those lesser Americans in the South and West. Take for example this week's decision on Beacon Hill to hold a closed door session on ethics reform (of all things!). Apparently the fact that Sal DiMasi became the third Massachusetts House speaker in a row to be indicted is a bit of an inconvenience. You see, when the Red Sox win three games in a row we call that a streak. When three Massachusetts house speakers in a row are convicted criminals we call that business as usual. On a scale of 1-10, how Massachusetts is that? I'll give that one a solid 4.

Facing the worst budget crunch in the history of western civilization, our elected Representatives had a crucial decision to make this week: get rid of two Suffolk county hack holidays and save $5 million a year -or- keep the holidays that nobody aside from government employees (or the rest of the state outside of Suffolk) actually observe. I'm not sure if you caught the YouTube clip of this debate on the State House floor but Jack Hart's argument for keeping Evacuation Day and Bunker Hill Day so that the children of South Boston could appreciate their "history" (FYI, the Americans lost the Battle of Bunker Hill) was as incoherent as it was laughable. The MBTA is on the verge of bankruptcy and our roads are riddled with potholes large enough to house a family of four. We may be broke, but at least a $5 million hack holiday will live to fight another day. How Massachusetts is that? I'm giving that a 7.

Our shiny new 25% sales tax increase will shortly apply to liquor purchases. As you may know, liquor is already taxed, but that tax is already built into the price (like gas). Starting this fall lucky Massachusetts consumers will continue to pay the liquor tax, plus an additional 6.25% sales tax. A tax on a tax - it may be clever but exactly how Massachusetts is that? How about an 11?

Running Just As Fast As I Can

I was never what one might describe as a "runner". While I enjoy sports as much as the next Gen Y suburbanite, sweating profusely while running insane distances never really did it for me. My running hate on was developed early in life, probably around the same time that other kids decide that they hate math, broccoli, or liberals. As a determined individual I don't believe in screwing up a winning formula. Not when the "yeah, I'm not a runner" line has been working beautifully for me since at least the second Reagan administration.

A few years ago I dropped 30 pounds and I'm happy to say that I did it all without running. I learned that staying in peak fighting weight means slashing calories, upping exercise, and not chasing potato skins with 20 oz beers. A 950 calorie Weight Watchers lifestyle may not be sustainable, but getting my ass on a treadmill every few days definitely is. After pounding away on the elliptical for the past 2 months I knew that I had it in me to run for at least 30 minutes. Today I challenged myself to finally do so.

I certainly won't be breaking any running world records, well, ever, but today I sweated away 3 miles in 35 minutes. Sure I had to take a few walking breaks while completely schvitzing like a chazeri. However, considering I've never run 3 miles at once (or 3 miles total since high school), I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to slam 800mg of Motrin for my aching, still out of shape, body.

D-Day Flicks

In a few short days we will be memorializing the 65th anniversary of D-Day, the largest coordinated attack in the history of the world. Less than one year after the Allies invaded the beaches of Normandy, an entire continent was lifted from the oppressive grip of Nazism.

Hundreds of movies have been made in tribute of the men and women who fought the Axis in World War II. In honor of D-Day, here are a few of my favorite:

Empire of the Sun: A Steven Speilberg classic! Empire of the Sun is an autobiographical account of an English teenager's coming of age in a Shanghai internment camp.

Bridge on the River Kwai: A lot of WWII flicks showcase the Germans as the evil villians (Because seriously? They were!) but the Japanese weren't so swell themselves. Bridge on the River Kwai is a glamorized version of the horrific conditions Allied POW's were subjected to when taken prisoner by the Imperial Army.

A League of Their Own: Sure the Second World War was devastating, but sometimes it really was fun and games. With the men off to war, A League of Their Own is the story of the All American Girls Professional Baseball League that existed during and immediately after WWII.

Europa Europa: A Jewish orphan is adopted by the Wehrmacht, becomes a Nazi war hero completely by mistake, and sent to an elite Hitler Youth academy. This German/Russian film (with English subtitles) is one if the more bizarre (but true!) tales of WWII.

The Tuskegee Airmen: I loved this film, and not just because Malcolm Jamal-Warner played a hot pilot. African Americans are shamefully discriminated against at home, but that doesn't stop these American heroes from becoming one of the most decorated units of the War.


So go ahead - treat yourself to a Netflix night. The best part? No matter how many times you watch these movies, we still win!

Speaking Spanglish With Manny

After living in this condo complex for almost four years, Manny the Maintenance Guy, has been a daily constant. Because we both hang out here all day, I often see him out and about and working hard to make this place a nice place to live. A native of the DR, when I first met Manny his English wasn't that great. Over the past few years I've helped translate stuff and even taught him American phrases like "busting your balls" and other idiosyncrasies. He's also helped me with my Spanish.

Today I saw him after I was a bit frustrated about the fact that the washing machine ate all my quarters and then refused to work. Our cultural exchange:

Pahkcah02: Manny, la lavadora esta muy decompuesto!

Manny (in English): Yeah, it's a fucking piece of shit. Did you break it?

Pahkcah02: No....

Manny: Did you rock it back and forth to try to get your quarters back?

Pahkcah02: Um, I might have.

Manny: I did too. It didn't work.

Pahkcah02: Yeah, but now it doesn't work at all and then it started leaking so at least I turned the water off.

Manny: (totally not impressed with my handy-woman skillz): Thanks

Pahkcah02: De Nada.

Note: that was a classic example of Manny busting my balls.

Gym Membership: When Negotiations Turn Into The Work Out

I found my perfect gym last week, and on top of the gorgeous facility, they also had a very reasonable cost structure: $15.95 for the first 3 months, $35.95 after that. Zero enrollment fee, one year commitment, offer good until Wednesday, May 27. The negotiations this afternoon:

Sales Lady: I'm so excited you decided to come back!

Pahkcah02: Yeah, well, my membership at Healthworks is up on Wednesday and this seems like the perfect gym for me so I'm pretty excited to get started.

Sales Lady: Great! (shuffling through paperwork). I'm going to ask you to fill out your name and address on this form and then initial next to the fees. You'll owe first and last month's membership, so we would normally take $51.90 this afternoon ($15.95 + $35.95). However, since we do our billing on the 28th, you'll also owe an additional $15.95 for the month of May.

Pahkcah02: Wait, so I'm paying first and last, plus $15.95 for 2 days in May?

Sales Lady: (impressed with my deductive reasoning) Right! So if you're paying by credit card we'll take $67.85 this afternoon.

Pahkcah02: Yeah, I'm not paying $15.95 for a two day month.

Sales Lady: I 100% agree with you, but unfortunately this is just how it works with our billing cycle.

Pahkcah02: Well, then I'll come back on the 29th, after your billing cycle begins for June.

Sales Lady: But then you'll miss our $15.95 three month promo!

Pahkcah02: It's ok, I can probably just get a similiar offer at (name competing local gym).

Sales Lady: My boss is here. Let me see if I can get that waived for you.

(returning 1 minute later)

Sales Lady: Wow! He hardly ever does this but he's willing to waive May's payment if you sign up today.

Pahkcah02: I'm flattered. So what else am I initialing next to?

Sales Lady: Well, (pointing to various parts of the form) this says that you agree to wipe down the equipment after use. This says that you agree that this is a one year commitment, and this is to authorize a $30 fee in January 2010 for maintenance.

Pahkcah02: Maintenance? Isn't that what my monthly fee is supposed to cover?

Sales Lady: (getting kinda annoyed) Well, it's for the equipment and stuff. Hold on (boss walks in).

Boss: I understand you have a few questions about the maintenance fee?

Pahkcah02: Yeah, I don't quite understand it. I pay you $35.95 a month to come here, and on top of that you want to tack on an equipment maintenance fee. That's kinda like going to a restaurant, ordering a $15 meal, and getting a bill with a $5 maintenance fee added on because they brought the food out on a plate.

Boss: I run the nicest gym in this area. See that piece of cardio equipment (pointing to a treadmill)? I paid $9,000 for that! Maintenance fees are standard for all gym memberships, it's just that they're generally buried in enrollment fees. Since I'm not charging you an enrollment fee, I'm actually losing money on your membership. I'm just running this promotion to get people into the door!

Pahkcah02: Sir, I don't doubt that you have the finest gym to ever grace this side of the Southeast Expressway. I simply don't understand why maintenance isn't included in the monthly fee.

Boss: Well, I can't waive it. It's part of our billing cycle. But, if you agree to pay it I'll give you a free t-shirt!

Pahkcah02 (totally not desiring a free $30 t-shirt, but still wicked pissed about the fee): What if I pay the maintenance fee in January and you extend the promo price from 3 months to 4 months?

Boss: (gazing at Sales Lady while making gaga eyes): Just give it to her.


One can only wonder how many Weight Watchers activity points I get from that experience.

My Perfect Gym, Perfect Gym, I'm Looking for My Perfect Gym

My Groupon to Healthworks is up this week and during my 5 weeks of gym membership I've discovered an important thing: I actually enjoy working out. I mean, I enjoy working out to the fact that I found myself waking up at 5:30am and driving 20 miles to Chestnut Hill just because I enjoy the high I get afterwards. I enjoy the fact that I can drink my Guiness, graze at BBQ's, and actually lose weight thanks to my new relationship with the elliptical. In my personal and professional life I dedicate myself to everything and everyone; a gym membership gives me back 3 hours a week of me time. It's the only time that I get to put on my headphones, go hard, and work on myself with zero distractions.

As much as I enjoy my workouts, I know that driving to Chestnut Hill 3x a week was ok for a short while but it's definitely not a long term solution. Since I work out of the house I'd ideally like to go at lunch, which is not possible unless I join something a bit more local. Rather than just join a random gym, I actually did a bunch of Internet research and set up appointments to tour 3 local facilities.

In the end, I found my perfect solution: a new gym near my house with TV's on every piece of equipment. I'm popping over at some point today to sign all the paperwork so I can get back into my routine tomorrow.

Canadian Exchange Rate

I still haven't been sleeping lately and I've tried just about everything from doing relaxing activities (eg: reading) to slamming a Tylenol PM or two to help me rest. No matter what I've tried, I still can't manage to sleep past 7am, even on the weekends. Last night I slept on a 2" futon mattress on KnitPurl's basement floor - I slept until 10am. Go figure?

An exchange with a 2 year old goes something like this: Sean: "Hockey! Hockey! Hockey!"; KnitPurl: "Sean, Montreal isn't playing hockey anymore"; Sean (perplexed by this news): "Ottawa?"

KnitPurl's husband got me hooked up to their Slingbox so I can watch cable while travelling. As an extra bonus I can tune into Degrassi at its regularly scheduled CTV time.

In case you were wondering (which I'm pretty certain that none of you are), Canadian TSN sports network is marketing the upcoming the Sox/Jay's series as a hard-core rivalry. Come again?

I tried my first Montreal bagel this morning and they are far differnt (and IMHO, better), than the standard NY bagel. Unlike the big, doughy bagels associated with the NY variety, Montreal bagels are skinnier with a chewier texture. Granny of Westmount upbringing asked for a dozen; I'm pretty sure that she'll be a couple short but the time I get them to her on Tuesday.

Gas is currently $4 a gallon in Canada. Stop bitching.