We'll Always Have Paris

"The judge says that it's going to be a no-frills thing and that is ridiculous. She is totally going to get special treatment. As a matter of fact, I heard that to make her feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises. I think it's wrong, too. I just worry that she's going to break her teeth on those things." - Sarah Silverman, 2007 MTV Movie Awards

After spending three days in the slammer, Paris Hilton was authorized by the LA Sheriff's Deparment to serve out her sentence in her 4,000 sq ft LA mansion. To put it in perspective, 4,000 sq ft is about 400 times the size of the digs she lived in while a wearing a prison jumpsuit.

Paris, that's so hot that you're going to be sporting a monitoring device on your ankle. Of course part of the deal is that you can't leave your palatial compound. Perhaps Daddy will simply build a nightclub on your property. Or better yet, a full-blown Hilton Garden Suites. After all, Miss Hilton pleaded to a judge that her mere existance makes all of our lives more interesting. If that's true then I'm off to get a prescription to treat what will surely be an onset of severe depression. I just don't know how else I will deal with the fact that Paris is incapable of adding value to my life if she's stuck sitting at home for the next 40 days and 40 nights.

Paris Hilton is a very, very lucky girl. You can bet your bottom dollar that if one of us has violated a judge's order that we'd be serving a full sentence of The Simple Life at Norfolk MCS. I wonder if I could even get a job at the Hilton chain if I was convincted of drunk driving and violating parole. I can only hope that Paris Hilton's rap sheet won't prevent her from getting a job at the front desk of DoubleTree someday.