How To Travel Like a New Englander (volume 1)

How to Travel Like a New Englander (volume 1)

1. When travelling, people from New England think it's their top priority to let everyone that they're travelling with know that they're from New England. They will often avoid anyone native to the area that they are actually visiting if it takes time away from their second most important task, which is seeking out other New Englanders. When meeting another New Englander for the first time, the volume of their voice escalates and they'll say things like "oh, you're from Bangor? My cousin once lived there!". Our new common bond re-iterates the fact that New Englanders will never have to wander the earth alone.

2. If lost in an airport and trying to find your flight, New Englanders know to look for certain clues. For example, if the majority of people in a crowd have about 100 lbs to lose before they are classified as overweight, they're probably headed south. If the majority of people in a crowd are wearing North Face jackets and it's 90F out, they're probably headed home to New England.

3. New Englanders think it's their God-given task to teach everyone our favorite game which is commonly referred to as "Fucking Walk". Don't know how to play? Here are a couple of rules:

Those moving walkways? Yeah, you're supposed to walk on those.

If you want to line up and pace with 25 of your slow walking entourage, go for it. But get the ef out of our way when we try to pass you.

If travelling on a wide escalator, stay to the right so people who are in a hurry can pass you on the left. Common courtesy, y'all

4. While travelling the East Coast corridor, New Englanders know that moving your seat to the reclining position is the most douchebaggery act one can engage in. This is not a trans-continential flight, people. It's a one hour plane ride to Baltimore. If you think that knocking the seat back will allow you a few minutes of shut eye, think again. Never backing down from a challenge, the New Englander behind you will prove that they can be just as much of a douchebag by kicking your seat whenever possible.

5. Sometimes New England travellers will bump into their closest travel allies, the New Yorker (tri-state, not upstate). Be very wary of people claiming to be from New York as they can be just as feisty as New Englanders. It's best to stick to neutral topics, such as different rules you can add to the "Fucking Walk" game (a big hit in NY) or your mutual hatred towards Philadelphia Eagles fans.

6. Once we get to our final vacation destination, it's important to let our presence be known. Aside from constantly reminding everyone from the bell captain to our massage therapist that we're from New England, we will also complain loudly and often that everything in New England is superior to what we are currently being subjected too. New Englanders will book a tropical get-away in the middle of February and complain that the weather "back home" is better. It's just how it is.

7. Sometimes we'll come to the unfortunate realization that the Red Sox or Pats are playing and we're not home to watch the game. Despite the fact that you're in the middle of Mississippi, you find yourself getting 100% bullshit that the local Bennigan's isn't broadcasting the Sox/LA game. Doesn't the bartender know that you're from New England? If you are fortunate to be in an area that gets the game, it's important to get wicked inebriated and of course, remind everyone that you're from New England.

8. Despite popular belief, New England travellers are not rude. We may not be unfailingly polite, but we are definitely courteous. Unlike people below the Mason-Dixon line, real New Englanders know that it's better to be rude and mean it than overly polite but not genuine.

Feel free to add to this list for a Volume 2 compilation.