She's Just Not That In To You (and it's probably something you did)

I've been on many, many first dates, some more prominent than others. I figure that I've got the rest of my life to be married so why be stuck with someone that on a good day I can tolerate for the next 70 years. Many consider Boston a great place to be single, though I secretly suspect that it's only because a great many of the men you meet in Boston are so frightening that you're probably better off not to get involved in the first place.

While everyone has their quirks, it seems as if the vast majority of guys my age are either over confident, coddled, or socially inept. Finding a guy who fits nicely into just one of these categories is something every Boston girl strives for; tonight I found myself on yet another adventure with a guy who fit all three. Chivalry is dead and most guys are tricked into thinking that "low maintenance" equals "no standards". I've met a lot of mothers and most would be horrified by what their sons consider proper dating etiquette. A few tips for the gentlemen of Boston who's "A game" is laughable at best:

Use the phone as a phone. Honest-to-God you have an electronic phone book so it's not like you even need to make the effort to dial all 10 digits. Don't text message or hide behind e-mail. If that's the case, why not just pass us a note asking us if we like you (circle Y or N)? No woman over the age of 15 wants to date a man that's too scared to call us and ask us out on a real live date.

Have a game plan. When we ask "hey, what do you want to do tonight?" the correct answer is "gosh, I thought we could grab an ice cream and walk through the Commons". Reflecting the question back to us is irritating. If we're in to you we probably spent half the afternoon primping and figuring out what to wear for the date. All you have to do is think of a suitable activity. It's really not that difficult.

Equal rights to damned, it's still the man's duty to pay for the first date. A nice girl will politely ask but there's no way in hell that we honestly expect to cough up cash for our portion of the bill. If as a male you're not ok with that then don't expect a respectable lady to grant you a second date.

Whether it's the first date or the thirtieth, offer to walk us to our cars. Offering to walk us to our cars says "I like you and I care about your safety". Remember, if we get stabbed to death walking back to our vehicles the chances of us sleeping with you greatly diminish.

As women we expect your humble abode to be an utter shithole, complete with mis-matched furniture, questionable bathroom cleanliness, and a $5,000 entertainment system. We also expect something to eat and drink. If you have nothing to offer your female guest aside from a frosty mug of tap water you'd better brush up on your hosting skills. On someone else. Because we're off to find a man who doesn't act like he was raised by a pack of hyenas.

Follow some of these rules, and you'll make a Boston girl very happy. Follow all of these rules and live in a place that has convenient, free parking and we may want to have your children.