Pahkcah02 on Panera

I spent today, one of my last days of freedom, by multi-tasking 3 loads of laundry with various Stoughton-area errands. After running to the mechanic, BJ's, Home Depot, Roche Bros, the tailor, bank, and dry cleaner, I figured I would treat mom and Pee Wee to lunch. We were originally going to mosey over to our Stoughton standby, Cheng Du, except storms were rolling in which wigged out Minnie big time. Since Minnie has of late been demonstrating her anxiety by shitting on the carpet (the dog needs Xanax, big time), Pee Wee and mom decided that the only take-out joint worthy of my lunch money is the local Panera Bread.

I begged (pleaded, really) to go anywhere, anywhere, except Panera - I was promptly overruled. I don't really mind the fact that Panera hides their horrific nutrition stats by masquerading as a healthy alternative to Wendy's. I also personally don't care if their turkey sandwich is more heart-clogging than a Big Mac, so long as it tastes good. The problem is that the food doesn't taste good. In fact, it's absolutely horrifying how disgusting and generic every single thing on the menu tastes and yet, for some specific reason that is completely unbeknownst to me, I am under the impression that I'm the only person who feels this way.

As a compromise, I insisted that I call in the order beforehand, lest I be subjected to the free Wi-Fi world of Panera for a minute longer than necessary. Pee Wee and mom both eagerly demanded I order them a deuce of Asian Chicken Salad. For a fleeting moment I debated whether or not to get a chicken salad sandwich until I remembered that ordering two identical items in addition to one completely different item would result in a Fuck up Factor of 7*. I reluctantly joined the Asian chicken salad bandwagon.

When I got the zoo that is Panera at the unconventional suburban lunch hour of 13:00, I was greeted by a line out the door of die-hard soup, salad, and sandwich groupies. I fought my way Stoughton-style to the front of the phone in register, paid about $600 for 3 salads, and sped back to the pahkcah02 compound at a 40mph clip. I was practically mauled by a grateful Panera-loving sibling as she scarfed down her lettuce laden salad in record time (really? Do Asian people get pissed that restaurants coin mediocre/horrible food as "Asian style"? Cos if some restaurant served a "Jewish style" plate of garbage, I'd be pretty bullshit). Meanwhile, Minnie was so wrapped up in snatching pieces of oily French baguette that she almost forgot that the world was ending via fog and patchy skies.

Ah, the crap that I do for my family. After sucking it up and taking one for the team, I feel that I definitely deserve a kidney or platelet match from these people. I may even settle for an extra birthday drink at dinner tomorrow, so long as Panera is not on the menu.

* Fuck Up Factor: 1 = perfect order; 10 = How can you complain that they fucked up? You knew that was going to happen!