One if by land, Two if by sea

Over a late night dinner of salads, Hockey Phil and I had a very philosophical conversation about meeting new people in the City on a Hill. After listening to the play-by-play of practically every person he's ever met, I mentioned my one pet peeve about meeting people who have yet to survive their first Boston winter: their lack of geographical knowledge.

Boston has always been a somewhat transient town. College students come and go, while professionals from sea to shining sea have always been drawn to our strong economy. Unlike most parts of the country native massholes will never mention their county when describing where they live, giving newcomers 351 separate cities and towns to mentally place on a map. It's a daunting task and I doubt that even the most hard-core masshole could describe in detail where every single zip code in this state resides.

As a fairly empathetic person I can understand why someone new to the Boston area may not have a good lay-out of the greater Boston territory. However, if you've been here for years and still don't have a clue where anything outside the Green Line is located then you're just a little (ok, a lot) arrogant. If you're bragging about completing a 3 year masters program at one our elite universities but can't give me a ballpark location of places like Burlington, Westboro, and Brockton I have no choice but to assume that you've either never read a local newspaper or you simply do not care about this area and have no intention of sticking around past graduation.

Hockey Phil (a native masshole) thinks that I'm being unreasonable but I seriously beg to differ. People kick and scream that immigrants to the United States need to learn English; I'm simply advocating that people who choose to make Boston a part of their lives have a basic understanding of where surrounding towns are located. For example, newly minted massholes needn't know the latitute and longitute of Gloucester, which towns it borders, or how many men they sent to fight in the Civil War. They simply need to have the skills necessary to mentally place Gloucester somewhere north of Boston in their highly educated minds. Extra credit can be awarded if you learn about a town that is located off of the Mohawk Trail.

Workin' It

As much as I love to eat, I absolutely hate to exercise. I don't mind taking long walks, and I actually do enjoy intramural softball, but hanging out at a gym for hours on end is something that I have absolutely no interest in. Personally? I couldn't give two shits about how awesome you feel after a 5 mile run. Feeling inadequate about not being able to keep up in a spin class is a complete buzz kill for me. However, one drastic thing is forcing me to change my ways and it has a lot to do with the fact that this weekend officially kicks of beach weather.

Since walking those two miles a day is not going to get me into a bathing suit bod, I've been clearing out my living room, drawing the blinds, and sweating to Exercise TV from Comcast on-demand. I've done Tae Bo, Yoga, and a cardio workout led by a perky Australian. It's cheaper than a gym, more engaging than straight stomach crunches, and varied enough that I'm not completely bored yet. If the idea of choosing a 30 minute workout doesn't motivate me, the site of myself in a sports bra and workout pants certainly does.

I'm not in shape so this week's exercise routine has been extra difficult but I am determined to look my best for the beach. Assuming the Motrin kicks in and I have the strength to get out of bed, I'll be making a beach cameo on Saturday.

Pahkcah02 rant on the MBTA

The MBTA is proud to announce that ridership is up 6.1% this quarter. Many suburbanites have finally figured out that taking public transportation to work is less expensive than driving (pat yourselves on the back - good job!). In my humble opinion, there is no excuse for people who work in Boston and live near a commuter rail/subway/ferry line not to take public transportation. With gas at $4/gallon and a horrendous economy, it shouldn't come as a surprise to anybody that T ridership is up. Unless you're Dan Grabauskas, of couse. Then you can hem and haw to anyone that will listen that the MBTA needs more cash as they are simply not capable of handling the influx of passengers.

Like most other state agencies the MBTA doesn't have two nickels to rub together. Rather than raise fares to reflect the real cost of commuting in and around Boston, some folks on Beacon Hill are grumbling that the most cost effective thing to do would be to raise the gas tax in order to subsidize public transportation. Greenies and squishy liberals who live in the city are obviously on-board with screwing car-driving assholes like myself in order to validate their superiority complexes.

I for one will not be shocked when Cadillac Deval announces that the state gas tax is increasing from 41c a gallon. Roads and bridges are expensive to maintain and if anyone's going to pay for them it should be the drivers of Massachusetts. However, expecting people who rarely use the MBTA or folks who live in parts of Mass where public transportation isn't an option to help defray the cost of commuting for people living in greater Boston is insanity. Believe it or not fair people of Boston, the world does not revolve around you or your desire to live a car-free life.

Despite the fact that the MBTA is far from perfect, many cities are envious of the options the citizens of greater Boston have with respect to public transportation. However, options and convenience costs money and it's up to the people who utilize this public service to foot the bill. My local gas station owner doesn't even blink when he has to raise the price of a gallon of gas and neither should the MBTA.

Spotted in today's Baltimore Sun

Walking Across I-95 - Check

This stay-at-home-virtual-employee decided to meet her stay-at-home-mom friend for lunch this afternoon. Garmin had projected a 15 minute ride down to Mansfield when all of a sudden traffic came to a dead stop before Route 1 in Foxboro. A tractor trailer hit an F-150, which exploded in impact. Since I was only a quarter mile from the accident I was able to get out of the car and like many other drivers, actually walk the pavement of I-95. Sure the tie-up may have been a bit inconvenient, but I was still having a better day than the guy in the F-150.

Even though my 15 minute drive took almost an hour, I really have to hand it to Massachusetts emergency services. Often times when you're stuck in traffic it seems like forever for the police and fire departments to arrive. However, since I caught the traffic almost immediately after the accident happened, I was able to see the reponse first hand. I was actually very impressed by the quick and efficient response. Of course if I was further up I-95 and had no idea what was going on I might've been a little less so.

While waiting for the highway to re-open I had the opportunity to make friends with out-of-state drivers, the same people I would normally curse for driving too slow. It turns out that despite the Southern license plates we all had the same goal: to someday walk across I-95 and live to tell about it. Despite tragic circumstances, walking across one of the biggest Interstates in the country on this sunny May day was an experience cool enough to blog about.

In a clutch moment, I'd rather drive a standard

If you know my real name and have hung out with me recently, you're officially on notice. Starting this summer, my new philanthropic effort is going to include teaching all you standard transmissions virgins the fine art of popping a clutch and rolling into first.

After a year and a half hiatus of driving a sports car with an automatic transmission (a complete oxymoron), I'm back driving stick with a vengeance. I am not super religious, but I firmly believe that God created empty parking lots to teach the uninitiated the mechanics of driving with two hands and two feet. You may stall, and I may yell (out of love, not hate) but if you're up for the challenge, I think you will be wicked excited to have mastered an important life skill. Afterall, if you think that adjusting your lipstick, driving, and sending a text message is multi-tasking, wait until you try it while downshifting. It's practically poetic, my friends.

Surely I understand that driving a car with a standard transmission is easier to avoid than jury duty. However, like so many other life skills it gives you options. It gives you the option to use less gas by driving a more fuel efficient car. It gives you the option of saving money by not upgrading to an automatic transmission. It gives you the option of being able to negotiate the price of a car with a stick shift because the salesman knows that they're much harder to sell. More importantly, it gives me the option of throwing you my keys and shouting "no, it's your turn to make the beer run!".

If you're up for the challenge, give me a holler.

She's Just Not That In To You (and it's probably something you did)

I've been on many, many first dates, some more prominent than others. I figure that I've got the rest of my life to be married so why be stuck with someone that on a good day I can tolerate for the next 70 years. Many consider Boston a great place to be single, though I secretly suspect that it's only because a great many of the men you meet in Boston are so frightening that you're probably better off not to get involved in the first place.

While everyone has their quirks, it seems as if the vast majority of guys my age are either over confident, coddled, or socially inept. Finding a guy who fits nicely into just one of these categories is something every Boston girl strives for; tonight I found myself on yet another adventure with a guy who fit all three. Chivalry is dead and most guys are tricked into thinking that "low maintenance" equals "no standards". I've met a lot of mothers and most would be horrified by what their sons consider proper dating etiquette. A few tips for the gentlemen of Boston who's "A game" is laughable at best:

Use the phone as a phone. Honest-to-God you have an electronic phone book so it's not like you even need to make the effort to dial all 10 digits. Don't text message or hide behind e-mail. If that's the case, why not just pass us a note asking us if we like you (circle Y or N)? No woman over the age of 15 wants to date a man that's too scared to call us and ask us out on a real live date.

Have a game plan. When we ask "hey, what do you want to do tonight?" the correct answer is "gosh, I thought we could grab an ice cream and walk through the Commons". Reflecting the question back to us is irritating. If we're in to you we probably spent half the afternoon primping and figuring out what to wear for the date. All you have to do is think of a suitable activity. It's really not that difficult.

Equal rights to damned, it's still the man's duty to pay for the first date. A nice girl will politely ask but there's no way in hell that we honestly expect to cough up cash for our portion of the bill. If as a male you're not ok with that then don't expect a respectable lady to grant you a second date.

Whether it's the first date or the thirtieth, offer to walk us to our cars. Offering to walk us to our cars says "I like you and I care about your safety". Remember, if we get stabbed to death walking back to our vehicles the chances of us sleeping with you greatly diminish.

As women we expect your humble abode to be an utter shithole, complete with mis-matched furniture, questionable bathroom cleanliness, and a $5,000 entertainment system. We also expect something to eat and drink. If you have nothing to offer your female guest aside from a frosty mug of tap water you'd better brush up on your hosting skills. On someone else. Because we're off to find a man who doesn't act like he was raised by a pack of hyenas.

Follow some of these rules, and you'll make a Boston girl very happy. Follow all of these rules and live in a place that has convenient, free parking and we may want to have your children.